"Has the gift of a hand-written sympathy note become a lost art?" – This question was posed to me by a family member while reviewing options for her relative's online memorial site. "I don't use the internet, and I've not ever sent e-mail, but I don't think it would make me feel as good as if I had a letter come in the mailbox" she continued.


In this modern era, where I sit and type on a keyboard connected to a screen, which formats the message perfectly, and corrects mis spelt wurds, I admit to a preference for communicating electronically.


Perhaps it is another disconnect between generations of people taught beautiful penmanship and those born in the digital age, where cursive handwriting isn’t emphasized in the meaningful way it was a few decades back. We may never get to make everyone happy with how we communicate, but there are several options for people to express sympathy:


While I've heard recipients say "oh, you shouldn't have" – when gifts of flowers are made, it remains the nicest lie ever told. Seeing the smile on a recipients face, and yes, even the sentimental tear of appreciation does have meaning. "They just die" – is one objection that I hear when I hear a person speak to a preference for memorial contributions instead of flowers – but I'll politely remind you that we too die, and thankfully, we have a whole bunch of goodwill to express before we ourselves start to fade and wilt.


Gifts of food are almost always appreciated by the bereaved. But sometimes, there can be too much at once. A timely gift of food may mean that you promise to bring dinner, or better yet, host dinner for a bereaved family.


The gift of certainty in ongoing nourishment in a time of uncertainty does wonders for a family. Don't overlook considerations for portion size. A ten pound roast or crock pot full of noodles may be too much for a small family. Dietary considerations should be made as well. If the household has a vegetarian, you may have to get creative. Comfort food is usually loaded with stuff the experts tell us to avoid, so an alternative meal may be just the right thing.


Memorial gifts come to mind as an effective way of making sure a bereaved person feels the kindness and affection of others. I always favor doing something local with memorial gifts. The memorial tree program at The Wilderness Center is a favorite – as it gives families a tangible place to go and see a living memorial to their loved one.


Gifts to churches, hospice and local organizations can enable the deceased's legacy and connection to continue at that place into the future.


With the phenomenon of Facebook, where we connect with people in real time, condolence messages and memorial pages are evolving. I would suggest a private message to a person expressing care and concern instead of a general "wall post" expressing sympathy – especially if word of the death of a loved one has not yet reached all who should be told in person.


Facebook has many good uses. Time will tell if you and I can do less harm than good using it in delicate situations.


Hand-written notes of condolence are always appropriate, and in the case of our friend introduced at the top of the column, preferred. In our busy society, they are increasingly rare, but made all the more valuable and thereby worthy of your consideration.


Many would-be authors are at a loss for words when it comes to writing such a note. I suggest sharing a story, or experience that you had with the deceased that stands out as meaningful. Share how you will remember the deceased, and instead of offering help, state how you want to help and promise to follow up in a few days or weeks after the funeral.


Finally, our presence at services or visitations is a precious gift. There is a great deal of emotional heavy lifting to be done at a service, and the load is made all the lighter by a group of people in attendance, sharing the loss, and marking it with their presence.


Enjoy the best that autumn has to offer as mother nature herself shows us the certainty of change.


Brian Hanner answers "Ask The Director" questions for the The Bargain Hunter. Hanner is certified in Thanatology by the Association for Death Education and Counseling. He serves as Chairman of the Geib Funeral Homes and Crematories of Dover and New Philadelphia.

Send your questions, comments and feedback to: bhanner@geibfuneral.com